Even worse

I couldn't make a single friend as I liked every one ...even worse every one hates me
I am not successful as I didn't do anything I liked ...even worse I don't know what I like.
I ran away from the only love as there is a misunderstanding...even worse I never tired to understand.

All I ever did in my life are mistakes...even worse I didn't knew they were mistakes till someone pointed me.

I could hear faint sounds across my bed. Some are shrill and sharp prolly a woman talking and some beeping prolly anna's alarm. I opened the shutters of my eyes lil by lil and it was semi dark n blurry. A tear drop streaked across my left eye and I felt my hands are cold and numb. I called for John twice in the voice I could muster but he din't answer. I moved by head and tried looking for him but found no one near me. 'He must be out for his dinner, Anna will be mad if he don't take his meals properly', I assured myself. I closed my eyes and slowly by slowly the voices around me started dissipating. I felt comfortable I couldn't feel the pain of soreness of my body anymore. This feeling, ah , I knew this feeling, I felt it before, for so many times.........

I was crouching my 6 year old legs between arms, hot red blood was pouring out from the fresh bruise of the knee . I tripped myself over the skipping rope ,of which my mom warned me before. I kept on blowing air over it for the short of intervals of relief; of numbness. Getting exhausted of blowing, I slowly lifted my head up and saw the scenery which I kinda ignored all my childhood. The grassy low hill edging with a murky river emerging from the southern hills. The hills gradually turn to hazy blue and bald as they move over the eye's horizon. A small grassy breeze held my conscience and I forgot the pain of the bruise, the surrounding sounds disappeared and there I was feeling 'this' feeling: " Neither sad nor happy: A blankness in serenity".

'I was looking at the intersection line of the Azure skies and the Sapphire sea, with the waves playing rhythm in my ear drum.... I was there on that hot afternoon sand in an ink smeared shirt of a 12 yr bullied kid, with my anger slowly melting into emptiness...'Neither sad nor happy: A evangelic point of balance'

'I looked at the 18yr old girl standing before me, into her big hazel brown eyes, a guy confessed to her and said words she never heard before....for the first time she felt "they were indeed honest and beautiful". I looked into them more intently under the mirror light and suddenly I felt myself falling into this feeling, my happiness vanished into void..'Neither sad nor happy: A fleeting moment of emptiness'


'I was looking down with my chin rested on the railing of the 4oth floor,my eyes were fixed at the sight of cars... for they looked like small ants relentlessly n restlessly running between concrete pillars to keep up with the seconds hand. There I was standing with a 24 yr old heart wounded of betrayal. Voilent and sucidal thoughts flashed..I was split into two people of life and death....i was completely lost...but for a moment my lost and agonised mind got focused at the ants in the evening sun...and i was calmed down...there..that feeling..'Neither sad nor happy: A transition point from dark to light'


'I was looking in those Emerald eyes of 8 yr old John when he said he will look after 36 yr old me, when he grows big' ..I wasn't expecting that...all the shock eventually turning into happiness...in so a less a time than the blink of his eyes...in which the nothingness prevailed..'Neither sad nor happy: A lapse of a neuron'.

'I was looking at the one man show, the words of Eric Nelson were always mesmerizing, he always gave my 60 yr old mind a comfort wen John and Anna leave the house...i slowly falling into sleep...'Neither sad nor happy' : A moment in solitude.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Now i am lying in this 72 yr old withered shell on this bed not clear of the surroundings...i lay..
Numb and this feeling again.....
Neither sad nor happy....for a split second a flood of images came across my mind...I saw the image of my father helping me cross a brook...my mother cooking in the kitchen...my first love.....the baby john all appeared all so sudden..my heart began to race...and this time i drowned into it....Neither happy nor sad: A life's journey from Earth to Ether.

My poem of this month

A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever

by John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old, and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.

Nor do we merely feel these essences
For one short hour; no, even as the trees
That whisper round a temple become soon
Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,
The passion poesy, glories infinite,
Haunt us till they become a cheering light
Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast
That, whether there be shine or gloom o'ercast,
They always must be with us, or we die.

Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk. And, as the year
Grows lush in juicy stalks, I'll smoothly steer
My little boat, for many quiet hours,
With streams that deepen freshly into bowers.
Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimmed and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end!
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed.

A Grandma story

'Hurry up Archu grand ma is starting her story!' shouted little Arthi from the downstairs.'In a moment" Archana shouted back while arranging the misshelved toys she played with her friend a while ago. Her mom ordered that she wont be listening to grandma's story if she hasn't finished cleaning up the mess in her room. A little while later Archana came down sprinting on the steps and cuddled neatly on the rug near the grandma's wodden chair.

The two of them looked like two hungry wide eye kittens waiting for a glass of milk.They were always excited to listen the grandma's stories. Meanwhile their mom Saritha mixed some dal and ghee in hot rice and started feeding them in the form of small balls. She perfectly knew that to make them eat is a chance like this. In a shrivelled voice grandma started her story.

" In the Kigdom of Hastinapura there lived a great king. He wasn't blessed with any children so...." ."Oh Grandma! we knew this story already tell us a new one!" interrupted the two in unision. "Oh have I already told you that story ...ok then I am going to say a different story today, It about a ..ahh that would spoil the suprise so I will start like this...." .

'Once upon a time in a Kingdom of'.....' the Middle earth there lived an evil king sarov,He created a ring which dominated the entire world of.. OUCHH!!! What you doing aunty Saritha, I was just narrating the greatest legend of all times' yelped kittu holding his smaked head. Kittu was their cousin who came to spend their christmas holidays with them. He was a a year older than Archana. He lives in the nearby street. His mother sent him away from the house as he is such a nusince and headache to her who is right now having troubles with her new baby boy. Kittu, got bored of an RPG game in the hall room so he came down to granny's for the sole purpose of disturbing the peace.

Saritha mixed some more rice and dal as one more mouth added in the story group. This time the three of them sat crossed leged aroung the grandma munching balls of rice and stared at her to hear some story. Smiling grandma resumed 'The Kingdom of srihara, which lies in the west of Nandadevi mountain range, was ruled by a foolish king. He made his subjects suffer by giving them weird orders and he never cared for his people. One day while walking down the river of iravathi..' BUZZZZZZZZ the pressure cooker whistled and the sound echoed down the ear drums. Saritha hurried to put off the stove. 'Oh where have I stopped the story?' ..."Its when the king is taking a walk down the river Iravathi grandma" Kittu replied first...though he came down to jeer he soon got engrossed in the story.

'while he was walking down the river he noticed many people bathing on its banks, some filling their pitchers and some diverting the river waters for the irrigation. He suddenly came up with a thought that stunned the court subjects the very next day. "As you are well aware of the necessity of the water to human life, I have come up with a wonderful idea of increasing the gold in our treasury and also a way to defeat the kingdom of Simhapura". Simhapura, an arch enemy who lies to the east of Srihara. He complained that the people of Shimhapura never payed the taxes for the waters of Iravathi, which is born in the mountains of Nandadevi and flows towards the east into the land of Shimhapura. He sent messengers to the king of shimapura saying that they had to pay taxes for the waters otherwise they wont be sharing the waters of the Iravathi to them any more. When the latter did not respond to the warning of the king, king got frustated and ordered for the construction of a dam across the river. Slowly the waters begain to rise and started flooding the feilds and then houses of the Srihara kingdom. Various diseases spread through out the kindgdom. People suffered from the loss of food and shelter. But the king did not budge. In one week after the dam had been bulit the prosperus kingdom of Shrihara turned into pitiful state. " Now kids please remeber this well. Hate and foolishness only brings only destruction. Think twice before to act..got it?."YES GRANDMA" replied the audience in unision. Now they dont even know that Sarthi is feeding them curd rice balls which they hate most.

"So.." garndma continued.."The king had a respectful and wise prime minister in his court. He thought of a plan and implemented the very next day. In olden days when they had no alaram clocks there used be big bells in the high towers of the palace which served those purpose. Every morning the bell boys rings the huge brass bell thrice at the court tower daily in the morning to wake up the king and the people of the palace. So as usual the king gotup at the first bell ring but was amazed to find it was still dark. He asked his minister what is going on? y has the bell boy rang his first bell before the sun has rise. The wise minister told him that the just as you stopped the water flowing into their kingdom since they were not paying the taxes in the same way they stopped the sun rising from the east as we were not paying them the taxes too." The horrifed king gave the order to break the damn the next minute. As the third bell rang the sun slowly began to rise and the minister assured the king that this treaty will be gud for both the kingdoms. From that day onwards the people of both the kingdoms lived happily ever after."

The children bed a gud nite to grandma and went to sleep ginning n giggling.

Still dreaming?

Once I had this dream that I am a bird soring high on the plateaus of Tibet. Suddenly I woke up and found myself on hard white desk of the lecture hall. A strange though crept into my mind " Was I before a human who dreamt about being a bird, or am I now a bird who dreams about being a student?"

Rabindranath Tagore

Upagupta, the disciple of Buddha, lay asleep on the dust by the city wall of Mathura.

Lamps were all out, doors were all shut, and stars were all hidden by the murky sky of August.

Whose feet were those tinkling with anklets, touching his breast of a sudden?

He woke up startled, and the light from a woman's lamp struck his forgiving eyes.

It was the dancing girl, starred with jewels, clouded with a pale-blue mantle, drunk with the wine of her youth.

She lowered her lamp and saw the young face, austerely beautiful.

"Forgive me, young ascetic," said the woman; "graciously come to my house. The dusty earth is not a fit bed for you."

The ascetic answered, "Woman, go on your way; when the time is ripe I will come to you."

Suddenly the black night showed its teeth in a flash of lightning.

The storm growled from the corner of the sky, and the woman trembled in fear.

......

The branches of the wayside trees were aching with blossom.

Gay notes of the flute came floating in the warm spring air from afar.

The citizens had gone to the woods, to the festival of flowers.

From the mid-sky gazed the full moon on the shadows of the silent town.

The young ascetic was walking in the lonely street, while overhead the lovesick koels urged from the mango branches their sleepless plaint.

Upagupta passed through the city gates, and stood at the base of the rampart.

What woman lay in the shadow of the wall at his feet, struck with the black pestilence, her body spotted with sores, hurriedly driven away from the town?

The ascetic sat by her side, taking her head on his knees, and moistened her lips with water and smeared her body with balm.

"Who are you, merciful one?" asked the woman.

"The time, at last, has come to visit you, and I am here," replied the young ascetic.

my fav poem of this month

THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG
Good people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wondrous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.

 -- Oliver Goldsmith